{"id":2835,"date":"2024-06-10T13:47:33","date_gmt":"2024-06-10T13:47:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.meditationmag.com\/blog\/?p=2835"},"modified":"2024-06-10T13:47:34","modified_gmt":"2024-06-10T13:47:34","slug":"nhinhile-and-sarahezrin-conversationabout-peace-in-the-home-or-peace-at-home","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.meditationmag.com\/blog\/nhinhile-and-sarahezrin-conversationabout-peace-in-the-home-or-peace-at-home\/","title":{"rendered":"PEACE SUMMIT: Peace Begins At Home"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<figure class=\"wp-block-embed is-type-video is-provider-youtube wp-block-embed-youtube wp-embed-aspect-16-9 wp-has-aspect-ratio\"><div class=\"wp-block-embed__wrapper\">\n<iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"PEACE SUMMIT: Peace Begins At Home\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/M5TmTNeMTac?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" referrerpolicy=\"strict-origin-when-cross-origin\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe>\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Introduction<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Hey everyone, welcome back to Meditation Magazine\u2019s Peace Summit. We are live right now with Sarah Ezrin and Nhi Nhi Lee. We\u2019re going to be having a conversation about peace in the home or peace at home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sarah is going to be talking about peaceful relationships within the family. She\u2019s the author of \u201cThe Yoga of Parenting.\u201d Nhi Nhi Lee, an expert in conscious relationships, is going to be helping us bring more peace into our romantic relationships and things like that. We\u2019re going to have a wonderful conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Break<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In the meantime, we\u2019re going to take a very short break. We just came off a long conversation about Kashmir. We\u2019re going to take about a three or four-minute break, maybe five minutes, and then we\u2019ll be back in about five minutes. So, in the meantime, I hope you watch this beautiful video of this little waterfall in the forest, the leaves falling, the water rippling, and just listen to the nice music, watch the beautiful scenery, and this is what meditation is all about: just being here in the moment and appreciating the beauty that is all around us. So, I\u2019m going to put that on for now, and then we\u2019ll be right back in about five minutes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>[Music Break]<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Return from Break<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">We will be starting with Sarah Ezrin and Nhi Nhi Lee in a moment. In the meantime, I just want to make sure that people are able to see us. If you can see the live stream now, please post a comment to let us know that you\u2019re able to see it because every time we start a new live stream, I\u2019m just like, are we live, are we not live? I think so, not sure. Okay, so I see me and Sarah are here in the studio. Oh, thank you, John. Thank you for your comment, and thank you for yesterday, by the way. Thank you for your beautiful comments yesterday as well. Okay, I\u2019m going to put us into a layout where we can all be seen. I think this is a good one, or this one, yeah, that one\u2019s good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Peace Summit Second Day<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So, today we are going to be having a lot of amazing, beautiful conversations in this second day of the Peace Summit, and we are going to be talking a lot about resolving conflicts on national levels. As we did yesterday, we had just had a conversation about Kashmir a few minutes ago, and after this, we\u2019re going to have a conversation between Israeli and Palestinian former combatants who have turned to be non-violence activists.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">This conversation, I think, is going to form a big core of the heart of what we\u2019re really trying to do here: as individuals, to bring peace within ourselves, within our families, within our homes, to be able to cultivate peace on the individual level and on the family level. The community level is the starting point for the peace that spreads out into the world. When we think about these big national conflicts and we talk about them, it can seem overwhelming, it can seem like there\u2019s nothing we can do, and that\u2019s not a good feeling. It\u2019s very frustrating, it can be very difficult to accept that, but while we may not be able to change the mind of a politician halfway around the world, we can change the energy that is inside of us and around us. We can bring peace right here where we are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Introducing the Speakers<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So, I just want to introduce Sarah Ezrin, author of \u201cThe Yoga of Parenting.\u201d You can see the book behind her. Joavan\u2019s got that book on our bedside. It\u2019s, I think, been very helpful for us as new parents. Joavan and I have a three-year-old named Sky, and she is developing beautifully and wonderfully into a wonderful young girl, and she is, I think, very benefiting from your wisdom, Sarah. Thank you for that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And Nhi Nhi, I\u2019ve been working with Nhi Nhi in Meditation Magazine, Meditation University, for a long time, and recently, only a couple of months ago, I had the good fortune and opportunity to be able to visit Nhi Nhi\u2019s house in Barcelona, with the beautiful background that she\u2019s in right there. It\u2019s not a virtual background, even though it looks super nice. It\u2019s a beautiful studio that she has set up overlooking the mountains and the ocean, and it\u2019s a beautiful, beautiful spot. When I came to visit, I was struck by the peaceful vibes of not only her home but also her relationship with her partner, Julian. So, I don\u2019t know if I\u2019m supposed to mention his name, but yes, with her partner. I think that she has a very powerful understanding of how to bring peace in relationships and how to cultivate peaceful relationships, and I\u2019m excited to learn from Nhi Nhi\u2019s wisdom today as well. So, welcome. Thank you both for being here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Beginning the Conversation<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I want this to be more of a conversation than an interview, honestly. I feel that you two are probably more adept at this subject than I am, and I\u2019m still learning peace within. I do my best. I focus often on these large-scale things, the national-level conflicts and stuff like that, and haven\u2019t put enough attention into these smaller, I don\u2019t want to call them smaller, they\u2019re just as important, but these more local level things, local level relationships, and peace within the relationships. So, I\u2019m very excited to just allow the two of you to take over the conversation as much as possible. I\u2019ll just put this question out there just to start the conversation, and I\u2019ll put it to Sarah and to Nhi Nhi. You can start however you like. How can we bring more peace into these relationships with our family, like for Sarah, and into our romantic relationships for Nhi Nhi? I guess, Sarah, you can start. Go ahead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Sarah on Peaceful Family Relationships<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sarah: Thank you, Kevin. I just want to say thank you to you. I know you are Meditation Magazine, but I know you also have a lot of people helping you behind the scenes too, for putting this amazing conference on and just the connections and community. I mean, this is how we heal, right? As social beings, this is how we heal. We heal together, especially when there\u2019s things going on that are bigger than us. That\u2019s what we can do, we can work with the people closest to us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Healing in the home, I mean, full honesty, and Kevin knows, he\u2019s read my book, like this is not always a peaceful home. Despite my 25 years of teaching yoga and my daily many practices that I have, I still lost my temper last night and lost my patience with my kids. It\u2019s a very normal, natural response of being a human being with a human nervous system. But the difference is now that we have evolved to these more frontal lobe-oriented beings, if you will, is that now we are aware of the choices that we\u2019re making. We can see the behaviors as they\u2019re happening, right? So, it\u2019s very different than that reptilian kind of like freeze response or the mammalian fight response. There is this higher reasoning. In yoga, we talk about the chakras, right? It\u2019s like we\u2019re starting to elevate and figuring out that we can connect on these much higher levels.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Peace really has to start here first. I am much less peaceful with my kids when I have not done my practices. This morning is an example. I had to sleep in this morning. I will always choose sleep over anything, and it just, it feels like a very different day. So, I think the number one step, and it may feel self-centered in the moment, especially when there are these huge things going on, and we want to be helpful, and we want to be part of everything, and we want to do what we can, is to remember that we need to stop, slow down, find the peace within first, and then translate that out into our nearest relationships by really just paying attention to how we\u2019re reacting and responding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Nhi Nhi on Peaceful Romantic Relationships<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Nhi Nhi: Yes, thank you so much for sharing that, Sarah. I completely agree. Peace starts with ourselves first, and I really believe it\u2019s about taking responsibility for the time that we have, for the space that we create for ourselves, to cultivate that peace so that it emanates into our environment and the people closest to us. Because if we\u2019re not creating that time and space for ourselves to nurture ourselves, then we will end up lacking that self-awareness when something does become challenging, or there is some sort of discomfort or resistance in the relationship or in the home. It\u2019s very hard for us to see clearly, and perhaps we will start to, instead of responding, we react to the situation and start to blow things up bigger than it needs to be. So, peace starts within, 100%.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There was something that Sarah, you mentioned earlier before we got onto this that I would love for us to just talk about. How do we show up for our partners or for the people in our lives? How do we hold space for them when they\u2019re going through something and also when we\u2019re going through something, and they\u2019re going through something? How can we navigate that? Perhaps I\u2019ll get you to share first, because this is something that you brought up if you would like to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Sarah on Holding Space<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sarah: Absolutely. I mean, I think about it, you know, obviously there\u2019s more people in my house that I have to regulate with, and even on like the simplest of, let\u2019s just use this morning as an innocuous example, I am not feeling great, and I wake up a little late, and I don\u2019t do my practices, and I don\u2019t have a full tank to give everybody. Well, how am I then going to hold space for all these people who are also not very well-slept, you know, because I\u2019ve got the two brothers sharing a room or, you know, there\u2019s other personal things<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">going on, never mind what\u2019s happening globally. So, when I know that I\u2019m coming into a situation with low reserves from my end, I think the most important thing is to recognize that humanness. Obviously, I want to prioritize my practices, but that\u2019s not always possible when you have two small children or one small child, as Kevin knows. Sometimes we have to rearrange it or find it in little bits and pieces.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I think number one is naming it. It\u2019s just naming, \u201cThis is how I\u2019m feeling personally,\u201d and then the hope is that you are in a partnership or a friendship or some sort of co-relationship with somebody that\u2019s also aware that they are in that space. But that\u2019s not always the case. Many times, they\u2019re going through something, and you can feel it, but they\u2019re not necessarily aware of that. So, it really does, like you said, it does become a responsibility on us to be like, \u201cOkay, I think all of us are dealing with low reserves today. What are some kind choices we can make in here?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">For example, as a family, on the days where both my husband and I are exhausted or, you know, we both identify as Jewish, and when everything went down, my brother-in-law and his family live in Israel, so when everything went down, there was a power over our house no matter what our belief systems are, right? And I forget sometimes because I come from this meditation and yoga background where I\u2019m like, \u201cBut I need to trust that something beautiful is happening, and I need to trust that this is the disruption that we talk about in all the tradition texts that\u2019s going to bring us together,\u201d you know, but people aren\u2019t experiencing things like that. If we\u2019re talking about certain specific examples and conflicts, I had to, and he wasn\u2019t necessarily aware that he was a little snappier, a little shorter, a little less available. I had to be the one that was aware of that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So, it becomes this responsibility for me to then be like, \u201cYou know what? You can go in the other room. You can go and meditate. You can go and take care of yourself tonight. I will pick up the slack in this way. I will be the one to step in.\u201d But when we\u2019re both exhausted, having the conversation of, \u201cWhat can we let go of in this moment?\u201d We don\u2019t have to do our practices perfectly every day. Sometimes you do need to sleep in a little bit, or you need to skip your meditation practice in the morning to value the sleep of it all, which by the way is a form of meditation, right? Or yoga nidra. So, it\u2019s sometimes being the bigger nervous system in the household and being able to identify where you\u2019re coming from and where other people are coming from, and then just giving that grace and that permission.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Nhi Nhi on Self-Awareness and Communication<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Nhi Nhi: I love that so much, and I resonate with what you say completely. I don\u2019t have kids yet, but I\u2019ve been with my dear friends, living with them for a period of time, and being in the midst of having kids around, working full-time, etc., it is a lot. I think that is definitely why I feel so grateful and I make the most of what I have now, that spaciousness in my life, because I realize that I\u2019m being blessed with this spaciousness for a reason. It\u2019s actually to support my partner in the big things that he\u2019s doing with his life and his business. There have been so many times that my partner has come home, and he\u2019s not feeling his best, and like you say, we really feel the energy. It\u2019s like you\u2019re peaceful the whole day, and then boom, your partner comes home, or probably your kids throw a tantrum, and you look, whoa, like okay, this is alarming.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But what\u2019s so important, I find, is to not take things personally. To learn to not take things personally, because once you make it about you, and then you start to perhaps that lower mind starts to pick a fight, then that\u2019s when things start spiraling. But if you can see it from an objective view and be like, \u201cOkay, what could my partner be experiencing in this moment? Perhaps he\u2019s had a really long day, there was a lot of things happening at work, and maybe he just needs some space right now.\u201d Communicating that, like, \u201cHow are you?\u201d and actually meaning that. Sometimes I feel like we ask each other, \u201cHow are you? How was your day?\u201d and we actually don\u2019t really mean it. We\u2019re not really ready for what the other person is about to share with us. When they do start sharing with us, we\u2019re like, \u201cWhoa,\u201d we become overwhelmed. So, it\u2019s really about having that self-awareness when we are asking, or when we do want to hold space, when we have the capacity to hold space as well for the people in our lives. If we don\u2019t have the capacity in that moment, communicating that, like, \u201cYou know, I would really love to listen to you and hold space for you, but perhaps right now is not the right time for me. How about we check in with each other in a couple of hours or maybe even tomorrow when you feel open and ready to share what is moving through you?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Communication is such an important aspect of having a peaceful and harmonious relationship because, at the end of the day, we\u2019re not mind readers. We\u2019re not here to fix each other. Perhaps the biggest medicine that we can provide for one another is just spaciousness and the capacity to just be there and to listen and to truly hold space.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Challenges in Relationships<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sarah: I love that, and you bring up such good points. I think it\u2019s much harder to have a spiritual practice when you\u2019re in a relationship with other human beings. It\u2019s a lot easier when you\u2019re in a cave by yourself, right? Or in your yoga studio or in that place. The second another human being or another being comes into play, suddenly you\u2019re looking at all those old patternings and old conditioning. You\u2019re right, you have this opportunity of like, \u201cIs this the lower mind? Is this my little girl self that\u2019s coming out? Where can I start to tap into these higher places of consciousness?\u201d It\u2019s challenging when stress levels, like if we think about it from a physiological standpoint and the nervous system, and again, it\u2019s like coming back to that frontal lobe. Our natural stress response right now is elevated compared to maybe where we were ten years ago, definitely where we were as kids. I tend towards highly anxious, and every day we are bombarded by the 24\/7 news cycle, and as feelers and healers, which I\u2019m just going to assume we all are because if you\u2019re attracted to this, then I know you are an empath like us. We\u2019re taking all that in too. So, we\u2019re coming into it from a deficit, if you will. We\u2019re already exposed and raw, and there\u2019s that part of it too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I love what you said about actually having the wherewithal to say, \u201cI don\u2019t think I can hold space for this right now because I don\u2019t have anything left inside of me,\u201d and then knowing that they may react. They may not like that reaction too. That may be upsetting to them, but you have to think about the cost-risk. What\u2019s more upsetting: you not really listening as they\u2019re talking or dismissing them, or being fully honest and saying, \u201cNow is not the time. Can we please wait and take a breath and let\u2019s do this tomorrow when my reserves are a little more full, if you will, and my nervous system\u2019s a little bit more settled?\u201d It\u2019s challenging. I just want to acknowledge for everybody, householders especially, that it\u2019s a particularly challenging time. We are all kind of more raw than I think we have been for the last however many years, but it is a raw time in humanity. Just continually talking about it, continually acknowledging it. Something that\u2019s been very helpful in our home, because my husband is now on this seeking journey. He started meditation, he\u2019s now in therapy, he\u2019s really diving deep. He\u2019s always been very self-aware, but this is like, he\u2019s so excited. He comes home after every therapy session and wants to tell me everything, and I want to hear this, but when it\u2019s 1:00 pm and I\u2019ve got to get on a Zoom in ten minutes, it\u2019s challenging.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Checking In<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So, something that\u2019s been working really well for us is the check-in. Like, \u201cDo you have the space right now? Do you have the space to sit with me and for me to tell you something, or will there be a better time?\u201d So, also, not just us having the responsibility of being like, \u201cNot now, please,\u201d but them or us when it\u2019s us wanting to share, checking in, \u201cIs this the time? Do we have the space together to sit with each other?\u201d Because if we\u2019re all already elevated, it can tip the scales very quickly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Creating Connected Time<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Nhi Nhi: Yes, I love that so much. Something that I love to do with my partner that I really love to invite people to do more, and I say this to my clients and my friends as well, is creating a kind of a very ceremonial space. A space where you can truly just be there with one another without any distractions, if possible. Having that space as a space of true deep connection, perhaps sharing about the week, sharing about the things we\u2019re grateful for, sharing about what\u2019s been coming up for us in our own personal journey, sharing about what we\u2019ve learned recently and perhaps things that we can apply to our life. Talking about our dreams and our goals, and really doing that check-in is so, so important from time to time. I really feel like it\u2019s a great way to just know where we stand in the relationship and what brings us joy and fulfillment. Being able to be vulnerable is so important in creating a deeper connection as well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Because sometimes I feel like in this day and age, we can be with people, we can be with our partner, but how much of the time are we truly being in connection with them? How deeply are we listening? How willing are we to just get vulnerable? Because you can sit with your partner or somebody, but you probably see this when you\u2019re out, etc., people are just with their partner, but they\u2019re scrolling on their phones. It\u2019s like, wow, you have someone there to actually connect with, but you\u2019re missing this opportunity to explore deeper. With me and my partner, when we\u2019re with each other, we\u2019re really with each other. We\u2019re not sitting next to each other and scrolling on our phones. If we are, then we communicate that. We\u2019re like, \u201cHey, my love, just letting you know that I\u2019m on my computer, on my phone, because I\u2019m just checking this thing out,\u201d etc. So, your partner actually knows. If not, then they\u2019re probably wondering, \u201cWhat are you doing when I\u2019m actually here? Probably I want to connect with you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Kevin: I just wanted to pipe in about that. I think that\u2019s so important. It\u2019s such a simple thing. A lot of the time, people talk about phones in this sort of black and white way where it\u2019s like, \u201cOh yeah, using your phone is bad when you\u2019re around people.\u201d As an example, for spiritual people talking about it. But sometimes you need to use the phone, sometimes you need to use the computer. But I think what you just said is a great way to bring your partner in to be inclusive rather than exclusive, where it can feel as a partner, \u201cOh, my partner is ignoring me. My partner\u2019s on the phone, my partner\u2019s on the computer, I\u2019m here. She\u2019s ignoring me. Why is she ignoring me? She just doesn\u2019t care about me.\u201d That\u2019s kind of what it feels like. But if, when I come into the room, if Joavan will say, \u201cOh hey, I\u2019m finishing this thing with the Citibank that we were talking about before, and I need to call them,\u201d things like that, then it makes me feel like I\u2019m part of it and we\u2019re actually almost like we\u2019re doing something together, even if I\u2019m going to say, \u201cOkay, I\u2019ll go do this other thing.\u201d At least I feel included in her activity and what she\u2019s doing and feeling like we\u2019re connected in our lives. I feel like that\u2019s such an important thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sarah: PS, this is the advice for parents when you\u2019re using screens around your children. Especially for little children, as they\u2019re looking up and they\u2019re seeing the back of the phone, they don\u2019t know who we\u2019re texting, they don\u2019t know what we\u2019re doing on there. There is a way that you can have these conversations and explain, \u201cOh, I\u2019m texting Aunt Dada. I\u2019m sending him a message. We have to tell him we\u2019re going to be a few minutes late. Is there anything you want to add in?\u201d There is this participatory element to it. The other thing, Nhi Nhi, that you brought up that was really important is the idea of this connected time where there are no devices, everything is put down, and it\u2019s just you and that person. I know for a lot of busy parents, it\u2019s like, oh, it\u2019s unfortunately like another thing. We\u2019re already juggling however many kids in the relationship with the partner and the work and the and, and, and. There\u2019s a lot of research around the good enough parent. The term was coined by a psychologist named Donald Winnicott, who was big in the relational space, but it talks about how it\u2019s just 30% of the time that they really need your attention. Something that we\u2019ve been doing with my oldest, who\u2019s four, is doing these, it\u2019s almost like a therapy session, once a week for a half an hour, just the two of us. No distractions, not even the dog is allowed in the room because he can also be pulling my energy away. It\u2019s called connected play. It is a form of play therapy that I studied, but it\u2019s this amazing time that it\u2019s just us and it\u2019s just focus. I\u2019m very conscious with my two-year-old, I do it maybe not in the same scheduled way because he\u2019s a little more feral, but I don\u2019t do it with my husband in the same way. As we\u2019re talking about this right now, it\u2019s just amazing. We have to cultivate all of our relationships in that way. Put the phones down, close everything off, and just be together for this connected time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">PS, this is a path to peace. This is how we co-regulate. This is one of the best and most profound ways to access the ventral vagal state, which is rest and digest, which is how our immunity is the highest, it\u2019s when our digestive system is working the best, it\u2019s when our reproduction is the highest. Our whole body functions best when we are in that rest and digest state, and the best way to access it is communication and connection, deep connection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Addressing Anger and Conflicts<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Kevin: Thank you both for this beautiful conversation. I just want to pipe in here for a couple of things. One is I want to let people know who are watching that you can ask questions and we can try to answer them as best we can. I also have some questions that are popping up in my mind as we\u2019re talking about these things. The challenges of peace in a relationship, the challenges of bringing peace as much as possible, is often related to our anger and conflicts that we have in our relationships. I think that talking about those things, conflicts and anger and things like that, can be helpful in understanding how we can manage those things. I wanted to ask both of you, how do you approach a situation where you feel like a victim in a conflict in a relationship where maybe you were yelled at or harmed in some way, and the other person just didn\u2019t apologize or didn\u2019t seem to acknowledge what happened? How do you approach a situation like that? I\u2019ll put that to both of you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sarah: How do I actually approach it, or how do I tell people to approach it? Those are two different things. How do I teach it, how do I want to be showing up, or how do I actually show up? My higher mind, in retrospect, and when I\u2019m sitting here and talking to all of you, and when we coach it out on the other end of it, those are very different reactions than when you\u2019re in it. You bring up the anger and the responses behind that. I think really naming what you\u2019re feeling in those moments is really important. There is also the boundary setting. I am part of many different recovery circles. I grew up in a house of addicts and alcoholics, and there\u2019s the Serenity Prayer: \u201cGod grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.\u201d Sometimes when we\u2019re in a victim mentality like that, and I do the martyrdom too, it\u2019s amazing, you don\u2019t mean to do it, but as a mom, you just fall into it. That\u2019s me giving my power away. I can absolutely control certain aspects of that situation. I may not be able to control what someone has just said to me. I may not be able to control how they\u2019re responding to me, but I can always control how I react back to them. I may not be able to control my children\u2019s behavior, and they may be rabid and running around like two little dinosaurs destroying my house, but I can always, always control how I\u2019m responding to them, what the circumstances that I\u2019m creating. The martyrdom tends to come out, the victim comes out when I start to feel out of control and when I give my power over entirely to others and I forget that I also have the power to just simply walk away if something\u2019s not feeling good, to say, \u201cI\u2019m sorry, a boundary has been crossed, and this doesn\u2019t feel good for me,\u201d and I can step away from that instead of circling the drain or putting myself continually in a situation to be abused, as toddlers tend to do. It\u2019s really remembering in that moment, what do I have the capacity for? What do I feel comfortable with? What can I take control of? How can I become empowered in this moment?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I just want to drop the seed, and I don\u2019t think you were saying this at all, Kevin, but there\u2019s a lot of toxic positivity in wellness circles and a lot of discard of anger as an emotion. But anger, when channeled properly and when used for its power, is actually an activating emotion. This is activism. This is actually in the yoga sutras when we talk about the yamas and the niyamas, to be angry about injustice, to want to do something about it, to feel a boundary and a line has been crossed, and it comes up in that chest and in your face. I\u2019m even sweating as I think about it. That\u2019s actually a very normal, natural, and wonderful element. The question is, what do you then do with that?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Dealing with Victim Mentality<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Nhi Nhi: Just to touch on what Sarah was saying, oh my gosh, I resonate with you so much. There is so much that I wish I knew back then, but I\u2019m so grateful that I know this now and that I embody this now. This victim mentality definitely is not a great space to be in, first and foremost. I think when we really start out in our spiritual path, but also in that night of the dark soul, we can be in that space of victim mentality, especially when somebody is not treating us in the way that we would like them to. It\u2019s always, \u201cWhy is this happening to me?\u201d instead of, \u201cWhy is this happening for me?\u201d Like you say, we don\u2019t realize that we\u2019re giving our power away in that moment. We always have a choice on whether we want to stay and engage in this dynamic, or we can simply just walk away with loving awareness and say, \u201cYou know<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">what? I don\u2019t want to engage in this because this is not healthy.\u201d Knowing the difference between what is actually there to help us grow and what is simply just toxic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">From personal experience, I have been through quite a few toxic relationships, and victimization was there because there was this unhealed part of me that wanted to people-please and always wanted to be the nice girl. When that just plays on and then something explodes, I\u2019m like, \u201cWow, this person is this and that. This person did this to me,\u201d not realizing that, \u201cWow, I was actually co-creating this dynamic with them.\u201d Once you realize that, that\u2019s when you start to really take your power back, when you take self-responsibility for just condoning it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">At the root of it, I realized that all of these experiences and relationships have taught me to actually just come back to self-love and to connect with myself. I\u2019m victimizing myself because of something that they\u2019ve done, but really, it was just something deep within me that was being mirrored in the relationship and the dynamic. So, what part of me gets to heal?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There\u2019s an example that I want to share, which is definitely a more empowering experience that happened just last week. It\u2019s quite funny, actually. I was finding myself eating this bag of crackers because I was trying to self-soothe myself, knowing that I\u2019m about to go and learn how to drive manual for the first time. I was really nervous, so I started just eating crackers and staring out into the sky. My partner says, \u201cOh, are you trying to eat your emotions? Are you nervous?\u201d I said, \u201cYou know what? Yes, I am nervous, and I\u2019m enjoying these crackers. They\u2019re healthier than chips.\u201d Then he said, \u201cThey\u2019re not healthy. Don\u2019t try to convince me it\u2019s healthy.\u201d I said, \u201cThey\u2019re healthier than chips.\u201d Then I felt attacked in that moment. My inner child goes, \u201cWhy can\u2019t you just let me enjoy these bag of crackers? I just want to enjoy them.\u201d Then I started crying. These tears started coming out, and my partner looks at me. He\u2019s like, \u201cWhy are you crying?\u201d I said, \u201cI don\u2019t know. I\u2019m just crying. It\u2019s just coming out. I can\u2019t control it.\u201d Then he started feeling baffled, like I was trying to cause a scene. I said to him, \u201cI don\u2019t know why I\u2019m crying. I think that this is a self-soothing mechanism. This is a part of my inner child that feels attacked, and she\u2019s crying because she just wants to support her nervous system. There\u2019s nothing wrong with crying.\u201d When I communicated this, he\u2019s like, \u201cAh, okay.\u201d We reached a point where he understood where I was coming from. I also understand that he was just trying to care for me because, yeah, that was what he was asking. But in that moment, I could have victimized myself and created this whole scene, but I just chose grace. I just chose to communicate exactly how I\u2019m feeling in the best way that I could without causing a scene. Within minutes, everything resolved itself, and we moved on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I just really want to encourage, perhaps in relationships, when there is discomfort or a challenge, sometimes it is great to figure it out right away on the spot. But sometimes it\u2019s also very needed to have space as well, just to get clear on why we\u2019re feeling the way that we\u2019re feeling, why did I feel attacked, etc.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Recognizing Our Role<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sarah: I love that. It\u2019s so important to bring what our role is into it. By the way, this is kind of what the whole crux of conscious parenting is. It\u2019s less about the behavior of the child and much more about what\u2019s this bringing up inside of me, what\u2019s being invoked here, why am I being triggered. Being able to take that bigger picture view of what\u2019s going on, like again, bringing it back to the challenges of last night and this morning. This morning, I was the tired one, but last night it was my son who was incredibly tired. So, all the things he told me, he loves his dad more than me, and he was very upset about certain things. Let\u2019s say it was this morning, it probably would have been a different circumstance. I just want to honor meditative Matt Pilates who made a comment, like when our resources are depleted, we\u2019ve got to give ourselves just as much grace as possible and know that we\u2019re going to react, and then that\u2019s when we\u2019re going to work on the repair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Last night, I was actually not as depleted, so I was able to have a little bit more of that aerial view to be like, \u201cOkay, he\u2019s exhausted right now.\u201d It\u2019s the end of the day. It\u2019s always challenging towards the end of the day when we\u2019re doing bedtime because we\u2019re going to be separated. It really is. It\u2019s like not taking it as personally in that moment. I think the harder thing, and why I couldn\u2019t really answer the question specifically, Kevin, is when you\u2019re both depleted and when you\u2019re in that moment. I do think the walking away, which Nhi Nhi also mentioned, is a really good one, and just stating, \u201cThis boundary has been crossed right now.\u201d But I think it\u2019s very circumstance-specific, and it depends on who\u2019s the one who\u2019s depleted. I also just want to name that I have a much easier time doing it with my kids, being able to take that higher perspective, than I do in partnership for whatever reason. I\u2019ll work that out in therapy next week. I think there\u2019s something about your main attachment figure. Maybe because I am a little bit more in a leader role with my kids, even though I treat them as human beings, I\u2019m not sure. It\u2019s something to look into. I\u2019ll have to work with you separately, Nhi Nhi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But I think it\u2019s a really, that\u2019s such an important way to look at our relationships, and it comes back to what\u2019s our self-practices so that we can have that aerial view so we\u2019re not just in the mud being completely buried by every circumstance and every interaction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Challenges with Parents<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Nhi Nhi: Yes, and something I really want to add to this is actually the challenges that come with our parents as well, that part of relationships. I was very blessed to spend five entire weeks with my parents, 24\/7, on a holiday. You will get to witness how much you have grown and healed and developed when you can spend all the time in the world with your parents who are not on the self-development path, who are not on the healing path. Actually being able to emanate your loving energy and just your awareness and your lessons and your wisdom onto them, not forcing it, but just being your authentic self, it\u2019s just so healing for the entire family. I can witness so much of my parents\u2019 tendency, just the way that they view the world, judgments, etc. I used to get so frustrated by how much I wish they could just understand, but now, the past years, I realized the best thing that I can personally do as a daughter is just to love them. Love them through every single chapter, phase, no matter how discomforting some of their views may be, and the words that come out of their mouth. I just see their inner child. I just see that there\u2019s a part of them that just wants to be heard, that wants to be loved, that wants to be seen. We\u2019re not always going to see eye to eye with everybody, especially with our parents a lot of the times, because they come from a very older, different generation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Conclusion<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Wow, this has been such a powerful conversation. It feels like we only just started, but we have to wrap up because we have Israeli and Palestinian ex-combatants turned non-violence activists coming up in eight minutes, and we need to switch into a different stream. I do have, we do have a couple of questions from the audience, and I would like to just quickly try to answer those. I see from meditative Matt Pilates, there\u2019s a question. She\u2019s actually sending it from one of our students in the meditation teacher training program named Beeks. She said, \u201cWhen you\u2019re a single parent of three children who are all being oppressed on a daily basis by the child\u2019s oppressive school system and who all have massive levels of anxiety, I\u2019m very good at staying calm and patient, but now and again, my inner resources are so depleted that I snap.\u201d I can\u2019t really see the end of the comment because it\u2019s a pretty long comment, but I think that the question, at least I can try to relate this question to my own life. When we get angry as parents, and it becomes difficult to manage the child\u2019s behavior, Sarah, I know you were saying that it\u2019s really more about seeing what\u2019s within us and why we\u2019re being triggered and things like that. But I guess I have this question because I see parents that use anger toward their children, like using the tone of anger, yelling, or just angry tone, even if it\u2019s controlled. I don\u2019t know if that\u2019s the right way to try to get children to adjust their behavior. I\u2019ve been recently trying more to just sit down with her when Sky is having a tantrum or something and just try to talk to her in a reasonable way and try to explain to her why what she\u2019s doing is hurting someone or something like that. What do you think, Sarah, as a parenting expert and author of \u201cThe Yoga of Parenting,\u201d what do you think is the right way to approach this? Is there ever a time that we need to use anger, angry speech, yelling, or should we always try to do it in a peaceful way to talk with our children?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Myth of Calm<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sarah: I just want to give credit to my teachers before I go into this because this is where I\u2019ve been learning this from. This, again, goes back to a lot of this nervous system work. There are these two women named Emma and Eleanor. They run what\u2019s called The Reconnected, and they have a whole program, Reconnected Parent<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">. They talk a lot about this, which is the myth of calm. The myth of calm that\u2019s being bombarded into us across every social media channel. This is what gentle parenting should be. You see these images of parents sitting there as their child is smacking them in the face. No, is yelling necessarily going to be effective? No. But to what\u2019s called congruence, which is naming your emotion as you\u2019re feeling it and saying it to kids who have these amazing radars. They\u2019re BS detectors, I won\u2019t cuss. I\u2019ll keep it an acronym. They\u2019re BS detectors, so if you\u2019re actually seething under the surface, but you\u2019re sitting there with a calm face and you\u2019re trying to talk to them calmly, they\u2019re perceiving that something is up. We have every right to say, \u201cMama is feeling heightened right now,\u201d and this is when we need the wherewithal to be able to step away. Or maybe it does go into a snap, but I think at least what I\u2019m seeing from nervous system studies and from child development experts that I\u2019m leaning towards is that it\u2019s actually very normal and okay to have these nervous system responses. This is not condoning that we scream at our kids, obviously, we\u2019ve gone off-key there, but to say, to name it. If you\u2019re not able, if you can keep a straight face, you know, like I grew up in almost this dancer background, like smiling on the outside, but inside there\u2019s turmoil going on. If that\u2019s what you\u2019re feeling, if you can still keep the smile on and you can speak calmly, but inside you\u2019re feeling turmoil, that\u2019s not the time to sit down and have that conversation. That\u2019s the time to name what\u2019s actually happening underneath the surface and then set time for later to go over whatever it may be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">By the way, they\u2019re not able to pay attention when they\u2019re in a nervous system stress response either, right? Our front top brain is not online, period. It\u2019s a good time for everybody to take a breath. I just want to again acknowledge Beck, that what I\u2019m hearing from this comment is there is depletion on every single level. You\u2019re dealing with the school system, which is exhausting. The kids are dealing with the school system and all of that oppression that\u2019s happening there. They\u2019re exhausted. Everybody\u2019s exhausted and anxious. You know what? Our resources are depleted, and it is okay. We are going to snap, but there was something that they said at the end here. They had a cuddle, some tears, apologies, and healing. That\u2019s the practice. That\u2019s where we are learning to be in community and to be together and to relationally reconnect. That\u2019s where the juice is really going to come fromc the relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Closing<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Kevin: Thank you so much, Sarah and Nhi Nhi, for being here in this beautiful conversation today. We\u2019re going to stop this live stream. Anybody who\u2019s watching, we\u2019re going to be starting a new live stream on the same page. You can refresh the YouTube or the Facebook page. We\u2019re going to be right back with Combatants for Peace, Israeli and Palestinian ex-combatants who have become non-violence activists. It\u2019s going to be a powerful conversation. Please join that stream and refresh the page in less than two minutes, and make sure to share that stream because we want as many people as possible to see these conversations. Okay, thank you, Nhi Nhi and Sarah. I\u2019ll send you the link for the next one. Okay, bye. Have a great day.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Introduction Hey everyone, welcome back to Meditation Magazine\u2019s Peace Summit. We are live right now with Sarah Ezrin and Nhi Nhi Lee. We\u2019re going to be having a conversation about peace in the home or peace at home. Sarah is going to be talking about peaceful relationships within the family. She\u2019s the author of \u201cThe [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":2836,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[393],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2835","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-peace-love"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.7 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>PEACE SUMMIT: Peace Begins At Home - Meditation Magazine<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Sarah Ezrin and Nhi Nhi Le discuss peaceful relationships, between romantic partners, between family members... and how the peace in these relationships ripples out into the wider world.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.meditationmag.com\/blog\/nhinhile-and-sarahezrin-conversationabout-peace-in-the-home-or-peace-at-home\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"PEACE SUMMIT: Peace Begins At Home - Meditation Magazine\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Sarah Ezrin and Nhi Nhi Le discuss peaceful relationships, between romantic partners, between family members... and how the peace in these relationships ripples out into the wider world.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.meditationmag.com\/blog\/nhinhile-and-sarahezrin-conversationabout-peace-in-the-home-or-peace-at-home\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Meditation Magazine\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/Meditation-Magazine-565383236930078\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/kevin.ellerton\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2024-06-10T13:47:33+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2024-06-10T13:47:34+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.meditationmag.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/M5TmTNeMTac-HD.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1280\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"720\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Kevin Ellerton\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Kevin Ellerton\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"34 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.meditationmag.com\\\/blog\\\/nhinhile-and-sarahezrin-conversationabout-peace-in-the-home-or-peace-at-home\\\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.meditationmag.com\\\/blog\\\/nhinhile-and-sarahezrin-conversationabout-peace-in-the-home-or-peace-at-home\\\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Kevin Ellerton\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.meditationmag.com\\\/blog\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/1116a060c43d0d9dbf2c522ea4f9f2f9\"},\"headline\":\"PEACE SUMMIT: Peace Begins At Home\",\"datePublished\":\"2024-06-10T13:47:33+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2024-06-10T13:47:34+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.meditationmag.com\\\/blog\\\/nhinhile-and-sarahezrin-conversationabout-peace-in-the-home-or-peace-at-home\\\/\"},\"wordCount\":7927,\"commentCount\":0,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.meditationmag.com\\\/blog\\\/nhinhile-and-sarahezrin-conversationabout-peace-in-the-home-or-peace-at-home\\\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.meditationmag.com\\\/blog\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2024\\\/06\\\/M5TmTNeMTac-HD.jpg\",\"articleSection\":[\"Peace &amp; 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